For years now I’ve studied self help, and personal development, religions, and even alternative religions and magic. I’ve been exposed to a lot of new ideas and some that are pretty far out. I’ve likely ran the gamut of topics concerning personal empowerment and inner peace. What’s my drive?
At the risk of giving the illusion of insanity or sitting on a therapist’s couch (something else I admit that I have done before) like many things about us as adults, it all started when I was a child. I have always, for as long as I remember, had a certain unshakable feeling. A knowing or personal truth, undeniable, was something I couldn’t get out of my thoughts, something that no one could ever convince me wasn’t real. It was simply this, I have a purpose to know a truth beyond anything which is being told to me right now, I don’t know what that is, but I will know it when they tell me, because there is more to life than what is right in front of me. And this is what I understood at the age of 5 and 6 years old!
Let me explain this notion a bit. When I was in kindergarten the concept was tucked into the back of my mind constantly present and maybe even long before that. I did lead a very turbulent childhood life, but there was always a knowing that there was more to this reality than what was apparent. I understood this at such a young age likened it to the counter at the bank, it’s there and you just couldn’t see it without being raised up or big enough. I wasn’t tall enough yet and the way the world worked was related to what happened up there. In my mind, only adults were able to know this truth but I was wise to the secret I knew it existed where none of my friends did. Maybe, I was just a young paranoid schizophrenic?
As the years passed this feeling never went away, I was constantly interested in what adults were talking about, because I wanted to learn this life secret they were keeping from me. By my early teens, with many very teen distractions contending for my attention, I still hadn’t learned anything deeply penetrating about the meaning of life. My exposure to the world left me with a new thought. It isn’t that they aren’t telling me it’s that I am understanding that there’s a secret out there and most people don’t know it. It’s a little higher than the bank counter than I imagined in my youth.
In my later teen years I began to ask tougher questions about life, death, afterlife and existence. My early influencers turned me to my traditional religious path, church. I went in seeking the answers and came back as many teens do with much to rebel against. I missed the point, and kept searching. Places I turned to professed a knowing of the truth but each time I asked, read, or listened; it seemed the truth eluded me. It became evident that all the people who claimed to know this truth either missed it completely or couldn’t convey it to me. I was left with this new understanding. This secret is too difficult to convey to most people. I was frustrated to say the least.
Life goes on as it always does and I continued my pursuit, and believe me if this wasn't a part of my being I probably would have given up and forgotten about it. This truth was undeniable, I mean, I couldn’t get it out f my head. My interests in self improvement and religions had now expanded to include business. As a young man I began to suffer many of the same distractions and ambitions that adults face. Starting a family meant improving my life through success, and making money. This was coupled with the inclusion of business books which hinted at some spiritual truth. but also nearly tripping over millions made through entrepreneurship. To the enlightened zen millionaire. I had gone on farther, and started over reaching, growing very distracted in my books and in pursuit of my ambitious goals.
In these pursuits is where I lost my way. My knowing of happiness became perverted by my ambitions, and I was lost in the proverbial woods, and then despair. This is the truth of the past few years of adulthood, which have been full of trials. Faced with personal limitations, and stirred together with a lack of self confidence and any personal fulfillment, I fell into depression. It was a difficult time for myself, and my family, and loved ones. It was a time of tears and feeling very divided from the world. Distractions helped solve problems in the immediate sense but the problems were always beneath the surface, a dark admission that I shared only with those closest to me. In truth it was that I hated myself.
My mind was closed, it was crippled. Not much mattered to me, not my truth, not my ambitions, certainly not my well-being. I pained myself and my loved ones, lashed out irrationally at those around me and projected my personal demons on the faces of those who would have saved me if only I would let them. It was tragic.
One day I couldn't do it anymore. Not another day couldn't be spent crying for myself, or taking another pill, or hurting others because I wanted to hurt myself. I completely let go. I started taking large amounts of time and spending it outside in the most healing place I could go; which for me that was the beach. It was there that I began to heal. Every morning I witnessed the sunrise, I meditated, and I reflected. Centering myself, I found peace, and another piece of myself. In doing these things, I found the path out of the woods. Since then I’ve learned to apply these lessons to my life and I’ll share them with you now.
Ø Do not put off happiness for another day when you’ve accomplished something you’ve set in your mind to do. Happiness isn’t something you will get from life, it’s something you bring to life. It’s the journey not the destination.
