Many times throughout our lives people will hurt us or in some way wrong us, either intentionally or accidently. It’s inevitable. Whether they are close to us or not the actions of these people can leave us feeling angry, hurt, or scared. This is a natural occurrence and happens to everyone.
Sometimes this pain will continue on for long periods of time and disrupt your life. Constantly living through the pain over and over again can alter the way you live for fear of having it happen again. Dwelling on it can rob you of happiness and joy in the present.
This can take serious tolls on us because if left unchecked it can affect family, friends and work. Letting feelings of anger or hurt overwhelm you constantly is no way to live. In fact, it can even lead to depression.
This is what happened to me a few years ago. My mind was totally consumed with what was wrong in the world and it was based on a lot of anger and sadness with how others had wronged me as far back as my childhood. I was so caught up in my victimhood that it sank me into depression, and this, in turn, completely affected all of those around me.
I needed to learn to let go and forgive. I found that holding onto my anger bound me. The pain that it had caused eventually came to define me. I was angry, bitter, and riddled with resentment. This couldn’t go on. It was exhausting. I had to let go of the heavy burdens of keeping up these feelings.
When you release the resentment and begin to forgive, your life starts to heal. You let go of the emotions that keep us as victims of other’s wrong doings. It was challenging but I’ve done it and it’s amazing the burdens that are lifted when you forgive. In doing so you will find that you are stronger than you believed yourself to be.
I am now in a place of reflection about how I came to let go and forgive. I want to share some tips on how you can free yourself from resentment and pain. Here’s what I was able to learn.
Weigh the value of holding on versus forgiving.
What is it that you’re holding on to? How is it keeping you from personal growth? How is it affecting your relationships to others? Is it helping you achieve your goals and aspirations? In many cases, you will find that not forgiving and not letting go of these pains are actually heavy burdens that consume you and hinders your personal growth. It’s time to free yourself from those restrictive binding weights of your past.
Vow to let go and forgive.
It’s not going to happen in an instant. It may not be easy or quick but forgiveness isn’t a switch you flip; it’s a process. I named this article steps to forgiveness because I recognize that forgiveness is a journey. It takes time to get over something and the bigger the pain you feel, the longer it might take. Commit to the change in your life. Once you let it go you will no longer be bound by the pain it’s causing you.
Recognize your choice.
You are only in control of your own actions, not the actions of others. The only thing that is completely in your control is your thoughts. You can choose to stop rehashing this pain in your mind over and over again. You can choose to move on. This is an amazing power and the choice to use it is solely in your hands. It just takes time to begin to exercise that power.
Empathize.
It can be difficult and oftentimes the pain of what’s transpired can blind you from seeing it, but it’s an interesting exercise to empathize with your offender. Put yourself in the place of the other person and try and figure out what caused them to act as they did. It’s best to always start with the viewpoint that the person didn’t do it because they are a bad character, rather they just did something wrong. How is this person feeling now? How did they feel while wronging you? Do they feel regret? Remember, you aren’t empathizing to justify their actions but to simply understand them better.
Acknowledge your responsibility.
In all incidences there is no conflict without both parties owning some responsibility. Try and figure out how what happened might have been caused, at least in part, by your actions. What could you have done to have kept it from happening? Is there a way to prevent it from reoccurring? The objective isn’t to take all the blame for what’s happened but to acknowledge we are not victims of our lives but willing participants.
Focus on the present not the past.
The past is behind you it isn’t real anymore, its history. It has no bearing on the present moment or your future. The incident that has left you pained isn’t happening anymore except in your mind and you are making it real. All current unhappiness and pain is your fault because you won’t let it go. Bring your focus back to the present moment letting the pains from the past slip off you. What are you doing at this very moment? Can you find joy right now? You will sooner or later go back to thinking on this past incident but just bring yourself back from it and into happiness.
Allow peace and compassion to fill you.
Make peace with the past, as it is gone. To dwell on the past any longer is a waste of the present. Breathe deep and exhaust the pain. With every new breath feel yourself letting go of resentment, anger, and fear. Feel love enter your heart and your mind. Forgive the person. In forgiving them you are freeing yourself from the burden of carrying those emotions with you. You will feel the weight lifted. Let love for the person and for all of life begin to live in your heart and expand from there. This is a difficult last step.
You may find yourself repeating the above steps, occasionally, to move fully beyond the pain and resentment into forgiveness. Ultimately, your choices are what define you and choosing to move forward and letting go of this burden will redefine all that you are and how you perceive the world. It’s for you to decide.
